I was tired of looking shady, my hair was too long
Like a dislillusioned hippy with a favourite bong
So while I lay there sleepin’, I had a dream in my head
I was on the front page of a paper I’d recently read
“f you hear this man singing, quickly exit the train
If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight after a game of Runescape
Then no amount of cocktails will help you escape”
I no longer felt shady, I felt renewed and rather keen
But surfin and jet skiing ain’t part of my normal routine
So I reinvented myself to look like a younger lad
I’m not really a rapper but wrote something not bad
Yes, I like playing Peggy and singing on the train
I’m not much into health food, I am into champagne
I’ve go to groove it out until tomorrow and create a soundscape
At a bar on the high street we’ll plan our escape
So I waited with high hopes and she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant, the teeth with a brace
It was a strangely blue lady and she said “Oh it’s you?”
Then I laughed and said ”I am one of the special few
That you liked fruit cider and shaggin on the train
And the feel of locomotion and the taste of champagne
If you like making love at midnight dressed in a Batman cape
You’re the lady I’m looking for, come with me and escape
If you like penises, cicadas and getting wet in the rain
If you’re not into yoga, if you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight in a pile of red tape
I’m the guy that’s reminding you of Severus Snape
Yes I like plum cobblers and dancing myself insane
I’m not much into health food, I am into champagne
I’m so very handsome onlookers often gape
At a bar in the high street there’ll be no escape.”